Dignity

Apparently we all have dignity.... mine (if I ever had any, which is doubtful) gave up, probably after I got my bottom out in public for like the 5th time. I find that having a lack of dignity and a high embarrassment threshold is most useful when you're the mum of a small child with a loud voice.

 These are merely a small selection of my person favourites....

Scene: Changing rooms in department store. Trying on bras. Boy is strapped into buggy with a variety of food stuffs and toys just to afford me 5 mins to try on bras.. a luxury that costs me both, emotionally and financially.
I'm crammed in a tiny changing room, hot and flustered and getting stuck in my clothes due to lack of space and Boy is getting antsy (which is a polite way of saying that toddler tantrum is building and The Fear is beginning to fill me like a panic attack)

Finally I unhook my bra and this is what happened....

"MUMMMMMMMMYYYYYY YOU GOT NIPPLES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

...and no, I am not exaggerating the volume or hysteria my naked bosoms created in Boy. There was then a silence...

Then several laughs, man, woman and child...

I did not buy a new bra that day.




Scene: I am in the shower (which takes me like 5 minutes tops) this is risky, Boy is unattended. There is a knock at the door.... The Postman.
The postman and Boy have communication through the letterbox on a daily basis and mostly (because I am addicted to ebay) there is a parcel, requiring me to open to the door.

Dilema... I am covered in soap, naked and my 3 year old is talking to the Postman through the letterbox unsupervised.. he's probably giving him money from my purse.
Just as I'm scrambling for a towel (hand size of course as I was unprepared) and just as I approach the stairs, I hear this...

"Alright mate (postman), Mummy is NAKIES... I can see NIPPLES!"

So the Postman is greeted by me, soapy, naked except for a small towel and red faced... we then did a very ridiculous and humiliating dance involving him handing me the parcel while I sign his book but also keep my towel up.

We now have an agreement where he leaves parcels under the car.... sensible.



This next one I cannot blame on Boy, this one was all me.

Scene: At an indoor soft play centre. I'm crawling through a tunnel on my hands and knees, to grab Boy from assaulting a fellow toddler, right at the top. This means looking like a tit and running the assault course made for midgets.

I'm following the bum of another mum in front of me. Just for a laugh and what I mistakenly thought would be a friendly mum joke I said this as we approach the light at the end of the tunnel...

"Hahaha, reckon this is what it feels like to be born... except less messy and painful.. hahahahaha."

Silence...

She didn't find that funny.. how can you not find that funny....??

Ah, she turns round and I see her heavily pregnant self, bracing herself to climb a net fence...

Note to self... pregnant mums do not like jokes about birth...