Yeah, so... toilet training..this is fun...
If your idea of fun is sitting on the floor of your bathroom for hours on end with Husband chanting "DO A POO" at Boy who is situated on the loo like Prince Poo.
Having put off toilet training for quite a while with, quite honestly an amazing selection of excuses, I was really surprised Boy took to it so quickly. I was however, under the impression that it was going to be a fairly traumatic experience for all those involved, and even some who weren't. I was correct.
Still, 3 weeks on I am still trying to bribe Boy with multiple 'treats' to do a big poo on the toilet. He is still refusing my ingenious tactics in favour of shitting in his nappy..normally first thing in the morning.
This leads to the majority of my mornings beginning with the following sentence,
"Mummy, I have done a poo in my nappy..and it has leaked.."
Usually I have smelt the offender before he entered my room. I'd challenge anyone to 'start the day right' when the first thing you have to do is scrape poo of a childs back, his bed, his toys, the bedding, the carpet..and YOUR hands. BEFORE your morning coffee.
So far my favourite bribe has to be this one..
"Babe, if you do a really big poo, we will take a photo of it and send it to your Favourite Uncle."
"Yes Mummy, he will love that!"
Favourite Uncle is still waiting for his photo of Boys toilet christening.
Toilet training is not that bad, but I was really disappointed to discover that there is a price to pay for giving up nappies. Although financially better off, my nerves are shot. I can honestly say that some of the most frightening moments have been the result of the following words..
"Mummy theres a wee wee coming."
Its not the words themselves that shake me to the core its the usually highly inappropriate situation we are in.
In the changing rooms of a swimming pool..when I am completely naked. This resulted in me holding Boy over the nearest drain and telling him that this is not really how you go toilet.
From the back of the car, when I'm in the fast lane of the motorway, in heavy traffic, miles from an exit. "Too late Mummy.. wee wee in my pants"
This next one is from a good friend of mine who's daughter is the same age as Boy and is his "Best Friend". My friend locked herself out of the house and whilst waiting for her husband to come from work and let her in, her daughter announced that she needed a poo 'In that way they do when you KNOW they are not kidding'. So she had to knock on a neighbours door to ask. Simple you would think but no. Toddlers love to announce their bowel movements to anyone and everyone so my friend knew she would have to plan what she said carefully for fear of her daughter shouting to her elderly neighbour that she was HAVING A POO! Crisis averted.
At the Park. Where of course, there are no toilets. This one is simple..
"Just wee against the tree darlin'"
This always results in looks of disgust from passers by. To remedy this I find shouting "OH YOU'D RATHER MY CHILD WEED IN HIS PANTS AND BECAME SELF CONSCIOUS OF HIS ABILITIES TO URINATE WOULD YOU?? TOSSER!" Then by the time you have said this the person has run away in fear, your child has stopped weeing and you feel strangely calm.